Hi People.
This months newsletter is as much therapy for me as it is hopefully wisdom for you. I used to say to my Psychosynthesis trainees "you cant take anyone anywhere you haven't been yourself". On that basis I have been doing a good deal of soul searching and self examination of where I find myself. What has brought this about is the partial collapse of my practice. Its still functional, but not enough to keep the wolf far away from the door. So I have been going through a process of 'what I am doing to manifest this'. As I am doing it anyway, you might as well benefit. Self disclosure has always been good for the soul. These are some of my findings:
Firstly when I reach the end of my self recrimination for 'causing' this situation in my life, it came to me that in the world outside the human experience, all things go through a season change. Whether it is summer to winter, rainfall to drought, pestilence and predation, those affected have to change the steps to their dance to survive in order to be in life with the new. The seed that finds itself without water cant go 'Oh why have I manifested this?" but must find a way to survive long enough for the season to change again or to adapt itself and learn from that. A seed contains within it a signature to its personality and value however and cannot in its current incarnation become something or other else. It cant, for instance, make itself into a bird and fly to where water is. It must do the best it can with where it is at without resigning itself to disaster. In other words it must learn what it can to include in its genetic make up and to allow it to adapt. So based on that piece of wisdom from nature, I got off my own case for awhile and started to look at what was going on around me.
Reality check:
The economy is stink for many people and the government isn't helping.
The Earth is demanding a reshuffle and is throwing her weight behind it with volcanoes, earthquake, storms.
Human society can no longer rely on oil to make our manufacturing industry and so our current jobs flourish.
The structure we are used to is crumbling fast.
Therefore: People are pulling back, holding on, battening down in many ways.
However:
The change that we are having was always coming.
Crisis always comes before a new structure can be put in place containing the new learning we have had.
Many new ideas are spreading through the world that will revolutionize our way of life given time.
The world is heading for a cleaner more honest lifestyle.
The animal and plant world will love us for reconnecting with their needs.
That reconnection will spread to our own relationships and change the way we hold each other into one of co-operation and community-working together not competing.
In the meantime:
Like the seed, I must learn about whats happening inside me but also around me in order to adapt. At the age of 64 (birthday tomorrow so maybe this soul searching has something to do with that) I cannot now retrain to become an environmental engineer, nor would I want to. The pattern of my being speaks of my place in the greater scheme of things. I cannot go against that for economic reasons. I do however have to acknowledge that for some reason people are not wanting what I have to offer at the moment. So what have I to offer that is of any use to anyone??? Only my honesty. My emotional honesty. It is at the core of what I have taught and the basis of my therapy work as a psychosynthesis and as a shaman. But most of us have been trained to NOT be emotionally honest. Instead, we tell people what they want to hear for securities sake. We have been encouraged to shut down our truth (the truth about ourselves I'm talking about here, not what we think others should be). And we spend huge amounts of energy maintaining that facade for fear that if the truth is revealed, our world will come tumbling down around our ears. And it may! But if that is the case it was on shaky foundations anyway if it is based on self dishonesty. Its only by being true to ourselves, allowing it to crumble or dismantling it ourselves, that we can start from the clean foundation of ourselves and build a life we can be real in: a life we can LIVE in. We need to send each other honest feedback and receive that in order to have accurate information on which to base our decisions. No "yeah/no" will do.
And here's my problem. I want to tell you all the truth but fear tells me that if I do you will turn away. Fear tell me that I have to be 'positive' because that's what people need right now from me.They don't want to know that my practice does not have enough people in it right now to survive, or buy my food etc. But if I hide my situation from you I am living in duality with myself. That way leads me to not be honest with you. And I need my clients (and all of you) to know that whilst I need their money, I also am not willing to compromise on my integrity and will never do it just so I can pay the bills.
I try to see why I have not got the new influx of clients that always sustains me and allows me to sustain them. Is it because people don't want to look at the hard stuff right now in particular? Its too scary. And to come to Jay Ray means facing stuff that we are trying so hard not to look at for fear of the consequences?
Like the environment however, playing ostrich doesn't work long term. Sooner or later the crumbling earthquakes come, ready or not. We cant just put a positive spin on it and pretend that it wont happen because it will and it is. Having said that, its not about resigning to despair either. Like the seed we have to look within ourselves to see where the truth is and build on that. We must deal with the lessons of the past in order to not create the same again, personally or globally.
In the process of this self exploration, I started to wonder if indeed Dunedin has too many practitioners per head of willing population and that my particular brand of fire-eating/breathing was not what Dunediners want. And maybe that's true. I don't know yet where the way through all this is leading for me. I have thought about moving to Wellington where there are not enough therapists, I hear, to service the population, and people have to wait for ages to get in to see someone at all. I have thought of going back to Australia, where this type of self development has been well accepted since the 80's. Larger catchment areas provide more life-giving water to the little seed. But I love Dunedin, and I love NZ. Whilst I am willing to go wherever the Universe wants me and finds me a worthy purpose, as I was when I came here, I find it heart rending to consider leaving my turangawaiwai. So at this stage the internal jury is out. I have no idea where to go from here. I watch for the toru (signs) from my Higher Self and wait. I still have a practice and will keep it as long as there are people that find my work worthwhile. Conversely, if there are people in it that don't then they need to go whether it means my practice folds or not.
But I must eat. I am looking for jobs to supplement it but that is a process in itself. I came up with the idea of sitting in Centre City with a sign saying "Wise Woman who will listen to your problems and give wise counsel". Whilst it was a viable business when I did something similar in Sydney, I wonder how well people here would take to sitting down in public and sharing their pain.
So I ask myself once again, "What do I have to offer?" And still I come back to the phrase "Emotional Honesty". Being it, teaching it, helping others to find it. But people have to want it. If they don't, I am in the wrong place. It takes courage, as much from me as from those who come to enter into the partnership of growth with me in therapy. So it is,' putting my money where my mouth is' as they say, that I share my story with you in the hope that the more I model it, the more value that will be to others, and the more they will find a desire to work with me. If in that process, my honesty leads to the recognition that I cannot be of service to the people of Dunedin, then I will have to have the courage to go..
Why am I saying all this??? Not for your sympathy. Not for your charity. Not to make anyone feel bad (but if you do, don't forget to look at what's going on inside to make you take on my stuff . But because I don't want to lower my eyes from you when you say "Hows it going Jay?" and tell you that it 'great'. God only enters into equal partnerships so the 'Book of Runes' says, and I want that in my relationships with you. I am ready for whatever happens next. I am feeling the deep need to trust and stay centred in the NOW. Ultimately, if my Higher Self still wants me on the job, something will shift. If its got something else in mind, no doubt it will arrive when its ready.
I do hope that this self exposure helps some of you in your own courageous journey of self honesty. If not then thanks for listening.Blessings as always. Jay Ray!
